Here is why not everyone you lose is a loss

There is nothing quite like the pain of losing a ‘friend’ and the only thing that soothes the wound is knowing that not everyone you lose is a loss.

Maybe it’s just me or perhaps my life just lacks the dramatic flair often portrayed on our screens, where friendships shatter due to cliched scenarios like falling for the same person, the divisive influence of a new acquaintance, workplace rivalry, or the distance created by moving abroad. Instead, in my experience, it’s all about a more subtle, yet profound issue: a clash of values. These little, often unnoticed, differences in what we hold dear which manifest themselves in many ways, slowly but surely drive a wedge between friends. In my own life, it’s been these understated, yet significant shifts in values and beliefs that have quietly marked the end of a friendship.

Two of my key core values are honesty and integrity. The pursuit of integrity and honesty often leads us down a path of profound bittersweet experiences.

Proverbs 27:6, says, ‘Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy,’ this captures the importance of honesty in friendships. True affection means telling each other what we need to hear, akin to pointing out that one’s shoelaces are untied rather than silently watching them trip. Unfortunately, some prefer to see you stumble and then offer a hollow ‘Hope you’re okay’ message. In contrast, a genuine friend not only alerts you to the untied laces of life but also extends a hand to help you up when you fall. This principle of loving honesty, to me, forms the bedrock of meaningful friendships. True friendship transcends mere companionship. It involves a mutual desire for each other’s success, a readiness to challenge and be challenged, and the courage to speak necessary truths rather than comforting lies.

The Bible also says rather beautifully: ‘As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another’ (Proverbs 27:17). This should be our shared goal when creating friendships – sharpening each other, helping each other grow, not just in character but in spirit too. That’s the dream, right there.

However, what happens when one piece of iron is sharper than the other? It leads to cuts, and these cuts carry pain. The real test in any friendship is how we handle these moments when sharpening feels more like cutting. Take, for example, a situation where one friend excels in speaking kindly of others, while the other tends to gossip. If the first friend confronts the other about their gossiping habit in an attempt to ‘sharpen’ them, but is met with anger, the friendship risks falling apart. Yet, if the friend who gossips can look beyond the initial sting and embarrassment of being called out, they might appreciate the value of having someone who cares enough to speak the hard truth. It’s this ability to see past the discomfort and recognise the love and concern behind the words that truly defines and strengthens a friendship.

Navigating friendships with these core values can be a journey riddled with discomfort and tough choices. The decision to distance oneself from friends who take offense at honest discourse is a testament to the pain of adhering to one’s principles. It’s a delicate balance, striving to be a catalyst for growth yet being careful not to inflict wounds too deep in the process. Such a path requires not only steadfastness in one’s values but also a keen sensitivity to the impact of our words and actions on others.

I have certainly not always got this balance right all the time. My journey has been marked by numerous farewells, some without the grace of a proper goodbye. I have learnt the hard way that it is better to be alone than in bad company. Peaceful solitude is better than being in the pretence of people that stifle my growth.

In letting go of who is not good for me, I’ve made room in my bustling London life for like-minded individuals, for friendships that resonate with authenticity, and for relationships that prioritise integrity. I have grown closer to people who tell me what I’m doing wrong to myself than whisper about my imperfections behind my back. I have embraced those whose hearts are filled with genuine joy when I succeed than those who allow their insecurities to prefer the sound of my cries during my weakest moments.

It is in the art of letting go of what no longer serves us that we open ourselves to the richness of genuine, sharpening relationships that make us better, sharper, and more aligned with the person God wants us to be. The rarity of genuine, growth-oriented friendships makes them treasures worth any challenging farewells to those who we no longer share the same path.

This journey is not without its share of loneliness and pain but the reward of authentic connections makes it so worth. It is in the art of letting go of what no longer serves us that we open ourselves to the richness of genuine, sharpening relationships that make us better, sharper, and more aligned with the person God wants us to be.