Today I was feeling a bit emotional and missing my dad I guess – I’ve concluded that I probably will never stop missing him. I don’t think we were created to experience the pain of death and so it continues to feel alien and wrong to be separated from our loved ones like this.
I don’t know if it is because I have one parent on earth, I don’t know if every child feels this way about their mum or if it is because my mum is just incredible… (even that word doesn’t do her justice) but I love my mum and I am so protective of her that I feel it physically in my heart, it is like my heart can’t contain it. I am so humbled by the way she lives her life and how she treats other people and by how she loves, that truly I feel frequently undeserving to be her daughter. I said to my mum today, “sometimes I think I should just go back to pursuing law so I could buy you all the things that daddy would have”. My mum said “your love for the Lord is the greatest gift I could ever have and it is eternal”.
It seems so cliche and I don’t know if it is a classic thing for Christian mums to say but I know she meant it and in her voice I could hear the weight of her love for me and more poignantly her love for God.
I don’t know what I’m trying to say but I’m just sat here on the floor, the evening before Easter Sunday 2021, blown away by the love my mum has for me, by the fact that my very existence and love for the One who orchestrated my existence is enough for her. And I can’t tell you how many times I told her I couldn’t believe, I don’t know how many times I’ve questioned her faith over the years, all the bible verses I rolled my eyes at that she’d send me and all the misconceptions I had about God.
And to think that even then God loved me and loves me even more than my mother; my brain can’t comprehend how that is possible and yet it is. How God could give His Son Jesus for me, just so that I might one day choose to have a relationship with Him, that He would send me the greatest gift knowing that I may never even ‘take it out of the box’ so to speak. When I think of the person I was and how much I hated God, I realise how much of a huge gamble it was for Him to do that, yet He put more than His money on me and you, He put his son’s life. Every Easter it really hits me and it’s crazy because it should hit me every single day of my life.
But I get caught up wanting to be this accomplished person to make my mum proud, drowning under self-inflicted pressure, wanting to shower her with great gifts, when all she has ever wanted, the great gift she has always prayed for was for me to receive the greatest gift.
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” – Jesus, John 10:10 [NIV]
This isn’t the most eloquent blog I’ve written, might just be soppy verbal diarrhoea about my fave aka my mum but if maybe one of you is thinking, who is this Jesus, why would anyone’s mum think knowing Him is a big deal – this is is a super helpful video, in fact the whole series is and it could help you decide for yourself.