I don’t trust God.
That’s it. No buildup, no suspense, I’ve never been one to enjoy the element of surprise anyway so there you have it the crux of this blog – I don’t trust God.
The backstory to this revelation. 9:10am 25th November 2021 (3 days ago), I was listening to a podcast called ‘Jesus over everything with Lisa Whittle‘, the episode was 5 Word Prayer Daily: Calm My Heart, towards the end of the podcast she asks her listeners to write down their three top reasons to trust God. I got out my journal, I wrote the title ‘3 reasons why I can trust God:…’ and expected to keep writing and the reasons to flow out of me – three days later I got nothing. At first, I thought I’m tired that’s why I can’t think, I tried to mask how concerned I felt that I couldn’t think of even one reason under the thought ‘it’s been a busy week, I’ll come back to it with more than three I’m sure’. Yet for the last three days, it has been on my mind, I’ve been racking my brain to find something, just one reason why I can trust God, not why my mum trusts God, not why I should trust God, not all the verses that tell me to trust God (Proverbs 3:5 being the one that screams at me the most).
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding”Provervs 3:5 (NLT)
It had to be, it has to be my reason(s), it has to be personal. My relationship with God cannot be a forced obligatory religion and it can’t be solely sustained by the faith of others. First and foremost it is me and Him, the main thing, my primary, my constant, the only One who is present throughout my life from birth to death and yet if you take everything else away and just put our relationship under the microscope, you wouldn’t find trust there. I’m ashamed to write that, it took me three days to accept it but God can’t fix what I don’t admit is broken, He can’t fill places inside us that we pretend isn’t empty.
The old me who really suffered from perfectionism would be spiralling right now. I’d be massively overthinking, questioning whether I even believe in God, I’d be shaming myself for ever calling myself a Christian, I’d conclude that I’m obviously not fit to lead in any Christian context and most significantly I would be so afraid of telling anyone about this newfound flaw because of how they would see me.
For the most part, I haven’t spiralled, I did cry though, even writing this has made me cry because it is sad. I know there is a difference between knowing something in your head and believing it in your heart. I know I can trust God but it becomes a reality in my heart when my trust in Him impacts my everyday life and anxieties. I believe in God, I couldn’t not believe in Him even if I tried and when I was a teenager I definitely tried. I love Him too, to the measure to which I know and believe love to be, I love Him. Someone once said “love without trust is infatuation” – that’s pretty savage and I don’t think I agree with that school of thought… “Without communication, there is no relationship”, that is why I pray because prayer is communication with God. “Without respect, there is no love”, that is why I endeavour to obey His commandments and try to live a life that proclaims that ‘Jesus is King’ (to quote Kanye). “Without trust, there is no reason to continue” or to quote another “a relationship without trust is like a car without gas, you can stay in it all you want but it won’t go anywhere” and that is why I ask the question that I know I should already know -“God, why can I trust you?”.
Faith isn’t not asking the “why”, faith is asking the why because it is knowing that there is One who has the answers and thank goodness He is kind and He wants to reveal Himself to us.
I haven’t decided how many parts this will be but this is part one and here is part two.