I don’t trust God and this is why.
In my blog post called ‘The Search‘, I wrote: “Many people try to hold God to things He has never said and get annoyed if He doesn’t follow through…”, I didn’t really want to go into it in that blog but it’s actually a massive problem and a huge stumbling block to faith. Here comes a law analogy (you know I can’t help myself). Imagine trying to impose a contract onto someone who never agreed to it or signed it, imagine trying to divorce someone who never even said they would marry you or signed a marriage certificate, imagine getting angry and trying to sue someone for not letting you live in the house you walked past and liked when they haven’t even put it up to be rented – you’d be laughed out of court. It seems ridiculous yet time and time again humanity is angry and disappointed at God for not keeping promises He never said He would keep, trying to hold Him to words He never uttered, taking Him to trial and deeming Him guilty without a hearing.
This is my dilemma, here lies the reason for my reluctance to trust. I have this list of disappointments in my head we can call them my reasons to not trust God if you like. They are lists of promises that I feel He should have made because they are good, they aren’t indulgent and they don’t seem too much to ask but even so, they aren’t promises He made. He never promised my dad would be around to walk me down the aisle, He never said my dad would live to hold his future grandkids, He never said my older brother would be alive to get on my nerves for being overprotective, He never said that I’d be able to go to my little brothers first football game, He never promised me that my loved ones would be around me for most of my life, He didn’t specify the number of years we would have together on this earth. Yet when I stop to think about why I don’t yet trust God, I know it is because I still think that I was owed longer, because I want Him to have promised me longer, I wish there was a legal contract made the moment my dad cut the cord and held me for the first time, that a voice came from heaven and swore to me that my dad would always be around to hold me close but apparently, that didn’t happen the day I was born.
Here comes my incoherent thought process…
It’s a conundrum really because He didn’t promise it, but I wish He promised it and though I know He didn’t promise it, I really think He should have promised it, but since He didn’t promise it and it was a good thing to promise, I don’t desire or inquire about what He has promised because I know the thing I want the most He hasn’t promised. And so I don’t trust Him but thus far I didn’t think it was a big deal to not trust Him, because I thought you only need to trust someone that you expect something from and I don’t expect anything from Him because legally speaking God doesn’t owe me or anyone anything. It would be totally fine to go on like this if this world wasn’t such an awful place to be in and so much is out of our control that we desperately need ‘help from above’ – in comes the realisation that I desperately need a Saviour. Great. I find Him (read about it in another blog), I am hopeless without Him, I really need Him but oh wait I’m struggling to trust Him because I can’t seem to shake off the feeling that He has already let me down. I know He is real, I know He is good, everything I know of Him I love but how do I trust the only person capable of saving my dad in that car accident, restarting my older brother’s heart and healing my little brother’s illness yet chose not to.
This is the craziness of faith and a relationship with the Creator of the Universe, knowing He is capable of everything and yet loving and trusting Him on days when He seems to have done nothing.
This is the journey I am on, thank goodness He is patient with me. It’s not a flick of a switch situation, it’s a process. At first, I didn’t think He was real but then He opened my eyes to see that He is the most real thing on this earth. I didn’t think He was good but then He lavished me with His goodness and now I think He epitomises good. I didn’t think He was Father but He still called me daughter and He still fought for custody. Now I don’t think I trust Him but yet somehow I know this feeling won’t last forever because if there’s anything I know of the Author of Life itself, it is that He does not stop chasing after me and opening my eyes to see His heart for me and I’ve seen experienced too much of His goodness to not go after more of Him.
So this will be continued… here is part 3.